Back again for the first time....

Im so sorry I have neglected you my dear blog!
But Im back!
Its been a slow month.Iv spent most of it at home on Twitter or Facebook (those sites will be the death of me!) and sleeping.shame on me.
But I have been doing some work here and there.Studying to take a GMAT test early next year so that i can apply for a scholarship in Finland.The text book isn't here though and the deadline to hand in my application (January 31st) might not be reached because the GMAT results take 3 weeks to be released and i can only take the test exactly 3 weeks before the deadline *shaking my head*,just my luck.I'm feeling so discouraged now but trying to find another way of making this work out :(
As far as work goes I'm still unemployed,and with each month that passes a bit of my self esteem goes with it,I didnt think I'd still be asking mother for pocket money 7 months after graduating.But I'm trying not to lose hope.Something needs to work out for me!!At least one thing!!!Just one!!!sigh.
The only one good thing or shall i say person making everything bearable currently is my bestie (best friend) Bk.He cheers me up when Im miserable and keeps chanting the mantra's that most people would be tired of tellin me by now: "stay positive,dont let it get you down,focus on gettin things movin, visualize the end goal" etc.Bless his soul.He came to see me today,bought me cake as well.sigh, what more do I need?
I think anyone else would have been sick and tired of me by now cz if there's one thing Im good at, its worrying!!No one can out-worry me except probably my mother,lol.That woman is the all time champ!
Rap artist Wale recently released his new album "Attention Deficit" and I am in love with him!!!No not cz he's cute or anything (which admittedly is usually the criteria I use to judge an artist) but because he's actually RAPPING!!!Many hip hop artists nowadays are just stringing words together that happen to make sentences that rhyme;quite a sad state of affairs really.No one tells stories anymore or addresses specific issues that affect the majority of the population even if its just about gold diggers (shout out to Kanye West!).Everyone wants to rap about how great they are or the latest new dance craze.His album however doesn't show case his real skills,i think his mixtapes do though.And i think true hip hop fans who hate the mass production nature of the music being released nowadays might appreciate Wale quite a bit.Give him a chance!!!
And on that note its time for me to go to bed,put my headphones on and fall asleep listening to "The Remake of a remake(All I need)" from Wale's "A mixtape about nothing".
Goodnight world! :)

Breaking the rules....

As kids we are constantly told what is right and wrong with the aim of helping us develop into people with a good moral compass.
The irony is though for the most of us we do the opposite.See the one thing they don't tell you and that you discover for yourself is that sometimes in life we will break the rules to achieve some of the goals we want to achieve and surprise surprise it will sit fine with you.Because....well,thats just life.There is no black and white,right and wrong,its actually just grey and there are only degrees of right and wrong.
The older you get though,the more you should know better.But we still do it,we lie or swear or cheat or steal or judge people or treat people badly etc.As young children when we break the rules we have inexperience and the ignorance of youth to hide behind.When we are adults and we know what all the lessons are,what excuse do we have?

THIS TOO WILL PASS:-Eckhart Tolle’s story told, so very beautifully extract from his bestselling book “A New Earth”

According to an ancient Sufi story, there lived a king in some Middle Eastern land who was continuously torn between happiness and despondency. The slightest thing would cause him great upset or provoke an intense reaction, and his happiness would quickly turn into disappointment and despair. A time came when the king finally got tired of himself and of life, and he began to seek a way out. He sent for a wise man who lived in his kingdom and who was reputed to be enlightened. When the wise man came, the king said to him, “I want to be like you. Can you give me something that will bring balance, serenity, and wisdom into my life? I will pay back any price you ask.”
The wise man said, “I may be able to help you. But the price is so great that your entire kingdom would not be sufficient to pay for it. Therefore it will be a gift to you if you honour it.” The king gave his assurances and the wise man left.
A few weeks later, he returned and handed the king an ornate box carved in jade. The king opened the box and found a simple gold ring inside. Some letters were inscribed on the ring. The inscription read. This too will pass. “What is the meaning of this?” asked the king. The wise man said, “Wear this ring always. Whatever happens, before you call it good or bad, touch this ring and read the inscription. That way you will always be at peace.”
This too will pass. What is it about this simple words that makes them so powerful? Looking at it superficially, it would seem while those words may provide some comfort in a bad situation, they would also diminish the enjoyment of the good things in life. “Don’t be too happy, because it won’t last.” This seems to be what they are saying when applied in a situation that is perceived as good.
...this story points to the fact of impermanence which, when recognised, leads to nonattachment. Non-resistance are the three aspects of true freedom and enlightened living.
Those words inscribed on the ring are not telling you that you should not enjoy the good in your life, nor are they merely meant to provide some comfort in times of suffering. They have a deeper purpose: to make you aware of the fleetingness of every situation, which is due to the transience of all forms- good or bad. When you become aware of the transience of all forms, your attachment to them lessens, and you disidentify with them to some extent. Being detached does not mean you cannot enjoy the good that the world has to offer. Infact, you enjoy it more. Once you see the transience of all things and the inevitability of change, you can enjoy the pleasures about the future. When you are detached, you gain a higher vantage point from which to view the events in your life instead of being trapped inside them.

Best Before (insert date here).

Time has the uncanny way of making certain experiences stale.
I met my ex the other day and seeing him prompted a confused look to creep on to my face.I was thinking what did I like about him again?He's short and odd and we have nothing in common at all!!!I spoke to him for about 10 mins and a minute after I left him he wasn't on my mind anymore.But at the time we dated his appearance would get me all giggly and I'd be in heaven if he touched me.But 3 years later and he has no effect on me.Stale.
On Facebook I was found by two of my ex crushes.One from Primary school and the other from High school.
I had the biggest crush on Patrick in Primary,sigh.We danced together at my Std/Grade 6 disco,lol.I was so excited dressed in my Mini Mouse skirt and matching top.But alas it was like a Cinderella story...I went home straight after our dance and there wasn't enough time for us to kindle a love affair given that our final school term was ending.In my mind all these years he's been this magical tall guy I danced with in High School,I saw him on Facebook and in my head I heard the sound of shattering glass.Dream destroyed.He's not so fantastical after all.Stale.
In high school I destroyed my reputation (at least it felt that way at the time,lol) and self esteem over Michael.Sigh,Michael.I couldn't get enough of him.We shared classes together and I sat in front of him and his friend in maths,my favourite class of the day!His hair was the biggest deal about him.He had this wavy hair which was way cool for a black guy back then.I'd huddle with my dorm mates during prep time and we'd discuss our crushes,lol!It seems so stupid now.Sometimes the other girls would play love songs and hug their teddy bears and sometimes even cry,hahahahahahahaha!!!!My apologies if any of them read this but they looked like lunatics!!
Then during one of our many talks they convinced me to just bite the bullet and tell Michael how I felt about him and got me thinking yeah,he could like me back!So I went to him after dinner one day and said "Michael I have the biggest crush on you and I just think you're so hot!" He kinda just stared at me for a second and said "ummm ok thanks". Then for the remainder of the term he did his best to ignore me which was weird cz he sat behind me in maths.On top of that somehow everyone found out about it.sigh.I was so embarrassed and upset.Couldn't wait to leave the school!But now all that seems over the top and ridiculous.He looks nothing like the image I had in my head at the time.He's practically a different person.He's a nice guy though but I'd never be romantically attracted to him ever again,that I know for sure.Stale.
So today I was thinking about my Bestie and I'm wondering whether I'll think he's stale in a few years and I wonder if I'm stale to any guys out there,lol.I guess it just proves that people do change over time.My tastes have changed and their personalities have evolved.

Im a b*&%$# in the morning....

Im going crazy,have been for the past few days.
Im panicking about everything and anything and worrying at the same time,disgusting combination!Ive been driving Bk up the wall with my endless pouting and sulking and as always Im wondering how he hasn't gone mad himself.Instead of telling me to get lost he's called every night and tried to make me feel better.*blush* Lucky me.
So why am I worried? Im graduating this weekend,my research paper was accepted for the research conference thingy at University which means I have to find funds to attend the conference,prepare for the presentation and prepare a short biography.My graduation has created humungous headaches for me. The shoes my cousin sent aren't here yet and might not get here in time because there was a postal strike in the UK plus she fears the shoe might be too small.Go figure,that would just be friggin fantastic.
I spent the better part of the week running around looking for a dinner dress and again I am reminded why it sucks to be in Africa!!!!Lots of casual clothes here but nothing for special occassions,unless your aim is to look like a beauty pagent contestant.
So I decided ufck it,Ill ho it out (shout out to Amber Rose!) this time and bought a long top that shall serve as my dress for the night,lol,Im shameless!But Ill do it with self respect,I will make sure I dont bend over or sit without my legs being crossed.See?Self respect!
My biggest problem though is my amazingly over inflated expectations.In my head this weekend is supposed to be super duper fantastic! At first I wasn't excited but then I let myself get excited and now Im just worried my expectations won't be met and so far thats the way things seem to be headed.crap! Ah well,Ill find other reasons to celebrate in my life so Ill just try and make the most of it.

[This totally has nothing to do with the post but my cousin keeps talking to me tho I have headphones on and Im clearly busy typing somethin....weird.I say "hmmm" or nod every now and then,lmao!Im evil]

And I was like;why you so obsessed with me?

I heard they existed but to be honest in the back of my mind I never really thought there were mad girls out there.
Ok so Ive known this girl since my 3rd year of Uni (lets call her Piggy) and we aren't what you'd call friends but we say hi to each other if we meet and force a conversation.
Now Piggy's been dating a guy who is a "friend" of my other half:Bk.Whenever Piggy and her boyfriend had a fight she'd run to my other half for advice and I guess for whatever reason she feels that brought them closer.
Then she heard we broke up and she began hitting on my other half in hopes of getting something going but he ignored her advances.
She thought maybe it had to do with me bcz there was a time she called Bk at 1am while he was hanging with me and started begging him to come see her,he told her he was with me and couldnt come but she didnt believe him so he put me on the phone,I said hi and she hung up.
Then a few days later she asked me if I was still dating him and if the reason we broke up was cz of her (someone thinks highly of themselves),I said no to both questions and she seemed to accept it.
Now Yesterday her dellusions reached new levels.He went to visit his friends and Piggy happened to be there.I called him and sent him a text after the call askin him to call me and tell me he loved me (i was trying to get him to be mushy in front of his friends,lol!).But what I didnt know was that his phone battery had died and he had put his sim card in Piggys phone.After he took his card back the text remained in her phone and she got all freaked out,called me and asked me why I was stalking him and trying to get back with him,hahahahahaha!!!stupid girl.Stalkin him?right.During the night she sent me loads of texts askin me to leave him alone and back off and blah blah blah blah.And yet she has a boyfriend.I don't understand what's going on in her head.
And what amazes me is that when we meet she'll act like everythings fine,ugh.stupid girl.Can't waste my time humouring her stupidity,i believe if you play with monkeys you become one so no Piggy!!!I refuse to join the monkey party!

A long walk....

I honestly think we women are mad sometimes or that we need medication for our mood swings.Im beginning to annoy myself.The hormones went crazy on me this morning,woke up in a good mood only to crash an hour later,ugh!And the annoying thing is not even I understand that mood nonsense.I guess that's why when men ask their women what's wrong they always get "nothing" and a shrug in return because honestly we are just as confused as you are.There are times when I'll be close to tears or have a permanent scowl on my face or have something negative to say about everything but have no justification for it whatsoever,none at all!Bk knows how to deal with me when I get like that though.Always makes me smile,unfortunately I couldn't see him today.But I fought back,I decided I wasn't gonna sit around snapping everyones head off for no good reason so I turned off my phone and took a walk and bought myself some chocolate-always works :-)
I actually walked to and from the filling station without accepting lifts from anyone,thas a big deal cz im laaaaazy!!!I decided today was "don't hit on a girl day" so I ignored all the attempts by guys to say hello or stop me,I was on a chocolate mission,lol.
Musically I let Jay-Z's Reasonable Doubt,K'Naans Trabadour and Kid Cudi's Man on the moon keep me company during my walk.Why is it though that even when you have both headphones on people still feel the need to talk to you thwarting any attempt to be antisocial?smh.Annoying.
When I got back home I was happy and calm,could have been a sugar high though,lol.
Excited to get some sleep and wake up tomorrow,the job hunting continues.sigh.
*Yawn!*Off to bed!